Cinnamon Rolls & Hamster Wheels

My mind has been completely scattered lately. It’s filled with half-baked thoughts of things I want to write, appointments I need to book, tasks I’ve long put off, and a running list of things we need to pack for our upcoming trip. All of this is swimming in a swamp of my own self-doubt. 

Sometimes I wish I could just empty my mind Marie Kondo style and sort and organize everything according to the degree of usefulness and joy each thought and idea brings me. I want to pour out the murky self-doubt swamp water and shake my mind vigorously the way you would an empty backpack or purse to dislodge and clear out the mental equivalent of stale crumbs, loose change, and old bobby pins that keep my mind in a constant state of disarray. 

Knowing it doesn’t work like that, I compulsively try to keep my home organized instead. Whenever that’s not possible (because I have a toddler) at the very least, I compulsively think about it. Maybe if our home is pristine, I will feel better. Maybe if all our things are organized neatly, my thoughts will flow better and my anxiety will go away. While decluttering and making our home work for us is indeed helpful, it’s not the alchemical elixir for my mind that I want it to be. Even still, systematizing and trying to keep on top of everything is my particular drug of choice. Maybe I can free up more time in the future if I get ahead of my tasks now. This is the fallacious way of thinking that keeps me running on my little hamster wheel. Maximize productivity to abate feelings of guilt and prevent tasks from piling up at all costs - this is the motto on the banner that is draped over my proverbial hamster wheel.

Lately, on the odd occasion that I have time at my own discretion, I struggle to decide what I should do with it. A nap would be a good idea, but sometimes it just doesn’t feel productive enough. If there’s laundry that needs folding or if the washroom needs some TLC, the nap naturally gets bumped down the list. But the one task that easily makes it through the application process is baking. As of late, the confection of choice is cinnamon rolls or chocolate frangipane rolls - or both. 

The manual work of kneading the dough is as delightful as it is rewarding. I can reliably quench my cravings for productive accomplishment and for something sweet simultaneously; a multi-tasker’s dream! What’s more is that since the dough has a proofing period of two hours plus a second proof for one hour, I can easily fold some laundry or do some tidying while listening to an audiobook (unless I choose to vacuum) in between. 

There are some days when I should really choose the nap. But more often than not, I get sucked into my self-imposed demand to be ultimately productive; and since the task I choose is one that I find rewarding, it creates a somewhat vicious, yet always delicious cycle. I never thought that it would require discipline to rest or that rest was something that I would have to relearn, but clearly it is.

If you relate to me at all, hopefully you feel a bit consoled that you aren’t the only one who needs a bit of a refresher on how to get refreshed. Perhaps one day, those of us who contend with this struggle will find our way off of the hamster wheel. Until then, you’ll occasionally find me sitting at my hamster wheel enjoying a cinnamon roll planning what task to check off the list next.